8 Ways to make your marriage better and happier
8 Ways to make your marriage better and happier
There are no two people who are compatible in the world. Differences in completeness, age, environment, and life experience lead to various differences between marriage partners. However, after marriage, the differences revealed by the two people in their daily revelations may be concentrated. So today I am going to tell you how to make your marriage more successful and happier.
1. Give all you can give.
Calculate the pay and return in marriage, and it will further reduce happiness. Many people feel as if they have changed when they are in love, especially when they are in love. The other party changes their hobbies and living habits. And once a serious relationship is confirmed, we will slack off and stop thinking about managing it. From then on, people will think about how much they have paid for the relationship and how much the other party has paid. The “surplus economy” in economics can also be used to explain this phenomenon: in the beginning of an intimate relationship, when each other gives a lot and the reward is a surplus (that is, feeling enough satisfaction), we Returns are often not calculated that much.
2. Express your love.
We want to maintain long-lasting passion, but intimacy and desire are natural enemies. Humans today seem to be more open to sex, but in fact there are never fewer people with sexual problems. Studies have shown that those with higher education and higher income levels already possess the ability to “maintain a stable, harmonious, well-communicated relationship” — but not enough to have a satisfying sex life.
Intimacy and desire, which are indispensable partners in a relationship, actually contain incompatible hostility from the very beginning. On the one hand, in a lasting and stable intimate relationship, both partners inevitably place the task of “eliminating loneliness” on each other, and sometimes even want to control each other, so as to gain a sense of intimacy – this is the key word of intimacy : “known”, “familiar”, “safe”. Desire, on the other hand, is a mystical experience, and its key words are: “unknown”, “unfamiliar”, dangerous – it is unpredictable that makes it alluring.
3. Clearly understand your bottom line before getting married.
Everyone should think about what is absolutely intolerable in a relationship based on their own values, their own ideas about marriage, etc. Once these are exposed in the marriage, you will not hesitate to end the relationship. However, the setting of the deal breaker should not be too detailed or too much. They can only be things that really hit your bottom line, otherwise overly restrictive settings will limit yourself and lose some of the potential for a “high-quality relationship.” Know that there is no one in the world who meets all your expectations, and no matter who you are in a relationship with, you need to go through negotiation and mutual compromise.
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4. Positive interactions are always five times more frequent than negative interactions
The researchers used videotapes to record the conversations between husband and wife, recording the positive and negative words and behaviors displayed by the two when they interacted, and then disassembled the code. They list things like laughter, touching, smiling, or complimenting as positive interactions, but also note behaviors that don’t feel good, such as eye-rolling, sneering, criticism, defensiveness, anger, or withdrawal .
When researchers at the University of Washington looked at the data, they found a surprising pattern. In stable marriages, couples have at least five times more positive interactions than negative ones. Once that ratio starts to drop, marriages are at risk. Therefore, after a negative behavior, it is not enough to just say “I’m sorry”, the number of positive interactions must be increased, so that the ratio between good and bad does not drop to dangerous levels.
5. Maintaining the “Illusion of Positivity”
Moderate idealization of partners and relationships. Always maintain a positive presupposition of your partner: Even though you clearly understand his shortcomings and differences from yourself, you still try to look at him in a positive light as much as possible, thinking that the other person’s strengths are very rare , shortcomings are not the main part; when the other person does something that hurts you, assume that the other person is innocent and act unintentionally; insist on seeing your relationship as special, unique, superior, and better than most relationship should be good. (Note, however, that positive delusions still need to be broadly based on facts and not fall into full fantasy.)
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6. Disregard for alternatives.
Whether a relationship can last, in addition to the expectations of both parties, is also determined by potential alternatives: we will constantly evaluate in our hearts, how would we be without our current partner, and whether we might have a better one Life. Would I be happier now if I had partnered with another person? Regardless of satisfaction with the existing relationship, as long as we believe that losing a partner is not better, and that the current relationship is already the best option, we will stay in the relationship. People who are willing to maintain the “positive illusion” will try not to be curious about other objects and other types of life, not to look at attractive objects, and even some deliberate devaluation, such as devaluing a certain fact as attractive objects are seen as unattractive. This will reduce some of the dangers of intimacy.
7. Don’t pass your happiness on to your spouse’s burden
Where does “happiness” come from? Scientists studied twins who were raised separately and found that even though siblings had different life experiences, their happiness levels were consistent. The findings suggest that a person’s well-being is genetically determined and predictable.
So, does getting married make people happier and happier? Michigan State University psychologist Richard. Richard Lucas and colleagues looked for clues about happiness and marriage in a survey of 24,000 Germans. They found that the happiness and well-being that people feel after marriage is actually only a small part. If calculated by the highest score of 11 points, their happiness level will only increase by ○. One point, the added part mainly comes from the joy of weddings and newlyweds. On average, most people’s life satisfaction after marriage is not much different than before marriage. The study concluded that a person’s personality affects his overall level of happiness, regardless of whether he is married or not.
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8. Try new things together and rekindle romance
For most people, the romantic feeling in love that only wants to fly and live together will soon fade away, replaced by a long-term accumulation of familiarity. There’s nothing wrong with calm, steady “partnership love,” but its danger is that it’s easy to become stale and uninspired. When this happens, boredom and dissatisfaction creep in, gradually eroding hard-earned intimacy.
Over the past few years, psychologist Arthur. Arthur Aron and his colleagues tested the so-called “Novelty Theory” in an experiment. The researchers recruited 53 middle-aged couples, used standard questionnaires to measure the couples’ relationship quality, and then randomly divided the couples into groups.
Couples in the “happy group” were asked to spend 90 minutes a week doing something familiar and enjoyable for each other, like going out to dinner or watching a movie. Couples in the “fresh group” were asked to spend 90 minutes a week doing things that both felt “fresh”, such as going to concerts, watching shows, skiing, hiking, or dancing.
After ten weeks, all test couples returned to refill the questionnaire. Couples who engaged in “fresh activities” on date night improved more in marital satisfaction than couples who engaged in “happy things.”
